Scenes of a memory

Kanye West. Jesus Walks.

We at war
We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves
(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me) with me with me with me…

You know what the Midwest is?
Young & Restless
Where restless Niggaz might snatch your necklace
And next these Niggaz might jack your Lexus
Somebody tell these Niggaz who Kanye West is
I walk through the valley where the shadow of death is
Top floor the view alone will leave you breathless Uhhhh!
Try to catch it Uhhhh! It’s kinda hard hard
Getting choked by the detectives yeah yeah now check the method
They be asking us questions, harass and arrest us
Saying "we eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast"
Huh? Yall eat pieces of shit? What’s the basis?
We ain’t going nowhere but got suits and cases
A trunk full of coke rental car from Avis
My momma used to say only Jesus can save us
Well momma I know I act a fool
But I’ll be gone til November I got packs to move I Hope

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that me feet don’t fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don’t think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I’m afraid because we ain’t spoke in so long

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that me feet don’t fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don’t think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I’m afraid because we ain’t spoke in so long

To the hustlas, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers
To the victims of Welfare for we living in hell here hell yeah
Now hear ye hear ye want to see Thee more clearly
I know he hear me when my feet get weary
Cuz we’re the almost nearly extinct
We rappers are role models we rap we don’t think
I ain’t here to argue about his facial features
Or here to convert atheists into believers
I’m just trying to say the way school need teachers
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that’s the way yall need Jesus
So here go my single dog radio needs this
They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus
That means guns, sex, lies, video tapes
But if I talk about God my record won’t get played Huh?
Well let this take away from my spins
Which will probably take away from my ends
Then I hope this take away from my sins
And bring the day that I’m dreaming about
Next time I’m in the club everybody screaming out

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that I pray is that me feet don’t fail me now

Sometimes you end a day with regret over what you’ve done or what you’ve said. It can even end in tears as you find that even though you’ve tried hard, you still make mistakes. All that you have left is to face the night and try to sleep. You sleep with a hope in your heart that in the morning there will be a chance to fix things, to make up, to start a new step, to keep going.

When you open your eyes to the morning sun and feel the cool morning breeze, you start to see that God always gives you another chance. Before you know it, you find yourself walking on the beach, listening to the waves. You start to smile again, to pick yourself up, to keep trying to be a better person. As you keep walking, you see and meet things that you’ve never seen before. It’s as if life keeps telling, "Hey, keep going, there’s so much more that you haven’t seen!" These new things don’t have to be big grand things, but small things that remind you that nature, and life itself, shows its grandeur even in the trivial everyday things; sea shells on the beach, the mark of your footprints on the sand, the seaweed that grows on small rocks at the beach, ships going out to sea yet quickly coming back into port (did they forget something? was it just to warm up the ship?), the sound of the breaking waves, the way the water feels (cold, refreshing), the strange patterns of bird footprints on the sand (they seem to like to go in circles). The quiet and empty Keizerstraat gives you a peaceful feeling as you walk through yet surprisingly you find new stores that you haven’t seen before (a pet store!). Simple things such as eating freshly baked croissants and free coffee at Albert Heijn feels so good. Finally, on the walk home you find things that Dutch people throw away which you can still use. So many new things in just a few hours on a quiet summer day!

So next time you find yourself feeling down or regretting what you’ve done, just pray and go to sleep. You will always have the next morning. Wake up early, take a walk and you’ll start to appreciate all the many things (big and small) that are around you. In the end, the thing that you will appreciate most will be the wonderful smile of the person you love.

It is a stormy weekend. The weather is cold and windy. I stayed at home.

I made a mistake today, maybe it will become a big mistake. I think I have hurt someone’s feelings, made them upset.

It is still stormy outside. The weather is cold and windy. I stayed in my room.

I hope I can make things better again.

Here I am still trying to write my research paper proposal. The voices in my head won’t leave me alone, always destroying my sentences and arguments everytime I write them down. They are even screaming in my head right now as I try to write my blog, which I actually don’t know what this entry should be about.

So… tomorrow is Sunday, I need to go to church and finish my RP proposal and send to my supervisor. Today is Saturday, I went grocery shopping. Yesterday was Friday… I went swimming and did 60 laps. In the afternoon I went shopping in Centrum, bought sunglasses and a t-shirt. Felt pretty good to have bought those things. Really wish I feel pretty good today as well.

Well there… my blog. Now you voices inside my head can shut up.

(Scenes from a memory)

"De profundis clamavi ad te Domine."

It is a cloudy and wet Monday morning as I sit in front of my computer trying to type something up which I have no confidence or clear direction in writing, with earphones attached to my head playing haunting piano music further emphasizing the isolation that I feel at this moment in time.

It seems so distant even though it was just a week ago, I remember how we were sitting under the warm Parisian sun, looking at tourists go by. Sitting at a table in the Jardin de Tuilleries, sipping creamy cafe au lait and sharing a warm piece of cake dabbed with creme fraiche. Or how we could feel the free cool spring breeze besides the small lake where we shared lunch in Versailles. And how the green leaves felt so peaceful in the Jardin de Luxembourg in the Quartier Latin.

It was also only yesterday that we saw a group of schoolgirls with clear honest faces singing praises in church. How they sang, of just calling unto God whenever we felt alone and afraid, down in the depths of our confusion or troubles. I wish I had their voice, I wish I could sing that song with all my heart and still keep a clear face built on a solid belief that I will, in the end, see the light.

Sometimes I wonder how hard it is to feel peace. A peace that is built out of simple things like breathing the clean fresh morning air, watching the ducks bathe in the river, smelling the crisp fragrance of the first leaves of spring. Ah, those green leaves… if only they could instill much more hope in my heart. I wish things were simple sometimes and that peace would come, like it does when I look into those soft brown eyes…

A lot has happened this week and time seems to past by so fast. Earlier this week I had my birthday, which was something that I rarely celebrated anyway. Yet this year felt so special because so many people realized that it was my birthday and seemed to show attention that it was indeed an important day to celebrate for. Needless to say, I ended up with two cakes and one frozen pizza which I still have to deal with. Well, the frozen pizza was my idea, I was afraid that it might have been to simple but I was glad that everyone enjoyed such a simple sharing of celebration. As I look at myself in the mirror now, I realized that those cakes did have an effect.

Thursday was White Thursday but I did not go to church on the account that I still had my essay to do. On that Thursday nigh I was overcomed by a unexplained sense of fear, as if the future in front of me had gone dark and uncertian. It was strange to reflect that it coincided with the night when Jesus was praying in the garden and was finally taken away, scattering away the disciples who were each terrified on their own. "I will strike the shepherd and the sheep of the flock will be dispersed" (Matthew 26:31). Thus on that night I felt the fear of being alone facing my uncertain destiny.

Friday night I went to the Good Friday mass which was suprisingly empty. I tried to hold on through all the sad hymns the choir was singing. I tried to hold on even though the fear inside my heart refused to leave. Now it is confusing to notice how I am more certain about sadness, more familiar with the desolate feeling of depression rather than with joy. Sitting there in that Good Friday mass with tears in my eyes, it seemed that sadness was the feeling that enabled me to connect with God. Happiness on the other hand, would bring me a sense of uneasy comfort. I would also keep worrying that soon the feeling of being alone and mellow would come back. These latter emotions were the ones I used to have and ones I felt the certainty of.

Sunday, bathed in sunshine, I rode to church which was surprisingly full. I stood at the back, trying hard to grasp the spiritual meaning of this celebration where everyone was dressed up and cheery. Yet, maybe there is something wrong with me, I felt closer to in spirit when I was sitting in a uncrowded church during that solemn and sad mass on Good Friday. Am I more prone to enjoying the tragedy of life and death, rather than embracing the joyous promise of resurrection?

Going home under the Sunday sunshine, I felt uncertain whether such wonderful days and times will last. I guess I will have to try to enjoy and cherish them as best as I can while they last. Now, I am far from my family and I miss them, yet when I come back, I fear I will be close to my family but at the same time I will be far from the one I love. Will I be able to have it all one day? I do not know. But at least this Sunday the sun did shine and I can smile.

(Such a beautiful house… don’t you agree, dear?)

This week a friend, Chandra, went back to Indonesia. Even though we only had 2 classes together, I have some good moments to share with her and other friends. Around a month ago another friend, Atsushi, also left for Indonesia. I guess friends are free people, intriguing individual souls whose paths God has chosen to cross with mine. Indeed I am grateful to have crossed paths with them, to share their stories, their wisdom, or even sharing a simple meal.

I remember Atsushi from the first day I arrived in the Netherlands. He looked at me and said, "Didn’t I meet you in Yogya?" Ah, and from that moment I realized that the world wasn’t as big and scary as I thought it would be. A serious fellow but could also show that people are a mix of emotions and rational thought. From him I learnt that there is something out there called "a social and personal life".

(Atsushi in red with glasses)

Chandra was part of the original StuNed crew I came with. A silent and calm figure, despite her public life back in Indonesia. Well, I was silent as well so we didn’t talk that much despite sharing classes together. What I remember about her was during 1st term exams on a cold rainy winter’s day, when she went to the exams with a fever. After that, Ara, Chrysant, and I went to her place to sort of cheer her up. That moment showed me that the experience of friendship can be very simple yet so touching. Friendship sometimes feels like sharing a hot meal on a cold, rainy, winter’s day: warm, comforting, and fulfilling.

(From left: Chandra, Catha, Endah, Dina, me)

So to these friends I bid good bye, hopefully for the moment. It was a great honor and pleasure to share, among other things, a table at the ISS cafeteria (I don’t want to mention the food) with you. Until we meet again, someday soon.

"It’s nobody’s business but ours." Jack Twist-Brokeback Mountain.

It is almost the start of the recess week. I still have two papers to do and the RP proposal, but tonight I can’t think anymore. Other things are clouding my mind, so I thought I would renew my blog that I have abandoned for a couple of months.

The term ended on a acceptable note, academically. Yesterday’s party seemed to be an opportunity to let go some pressure but I suppose I wasn’t energetic enough to do so. Somehow all other thoughts still cling in my head, thoughts that I chose to think about rather than have all out fun at a party. Maybe I am getting old…

Soon spring will come, which people normally look forward to. It is difficult to describe spring because it is a whole sort of small wonderful things happening and popping up everywhere. So is my own invisible spring, a jumbled up sort of things that look, feel and smell wonderful as any spring should be.

Of course spring develops in its own accord. I suppose something as natural as spring is beyond my powers to determine. That is why it remains invisible, moving and growing silently as the grass and trees do. It is like that flower that only blooms at midnight. Something beautiful that chooses to keep itself out of the light of day.

For now, I will still keep my spring invisible as it grows.

It is already a new month. A month has passed. So quick but so worthwhile. But there’s still a long way to go.

"There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

I am only human. What else can I be? This is not an excuse, being human is not easy. But it is also not an excuse to stop trying to be a better person.

"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41)