Scenes of a memory

The first step in life is to breathe…
And so with this I plunge into the world of blog. This is my first entry so please forgive me if I do not convey the right essence of this genre called blog.

After some 60 odd days in Holland, as a stranger in a strange land I write down my experience. To at least erect a hodge-podge gallery of the scenes of my memory, or at least write down what happened this week.

I recall standing on the docks of Scheveningen, all lost and bewildered watching hundreds of Dutch people carrying their children on their shoulders, holding the children’s hands, all in anticipation for the arrival of Sinter Klas on a boat. In a secular and modern country, it was strange to see how these people were all smiles and laughter, dancing in front of their children to try to incite them to joy. In contradiction to the Dutch serious disposition, here they were with radiant faces as if unaware that they were caught being childish, silly, being fun. Even behind their distant smiles, I see the glimpse of how joyous family can be. For I, being alone, could not feel the warmth of their smiles and the hugs and kisses of their loved ones.

I remember sitting in the general course as the lecturer (TD Truang) explained about gender. I could hear the murmurs and restlessness of some of the men. Before long it was clear that even though you can pitch advance theories about modernity, development, economic growth, sustainability, equity, which everyone was eager to plow through, gender was that barrier that challenges to be crossed. A topic that is not rooted in the clouds of policy, governance, capitalism, but rooted in the everyday relations we have. Everyday relations with our family, friends, colleagues, lover, spouse, children, even with that anonymous person you smile to on the bus. Yet it stands correct that the personal is the political. It is these banal yet personal contexts of gender that make it seem so difficult for people, even in its most general form as development policy. I guess it is easy to analyze and deconstruct a situation, but difficult to do so if those things are present also inside of you. The situation indeed posed an interesting academic contradiction (which is not a rare thing): here are these intelligent, conversant people yet they cannot open their minds to this issue that strikes into our very personal being.

Yet today I face this situation myself, this time with how to read and make notes. I’ve always considered these things as part of my individual expression. Something that I feel I haven’t fully mastered myself, but now here is this lecturer of academic skills (Peter) who advises to switch to another system. So now I feel the same resistance, which I am yet to make a choice about.

In retrospect, in addition to all 5 assignments I have already, the usual bulk of readings, and the rush hour schedule of classes, I somehow glimpse a ray of hope that there is still so much more out there to be learned and experienced. On the other hand, I also feel the nagging pull for me to start, to take that first step. To finally step out of my solitary shell and take my first breath of fresh open air. Coinciding with my first blog entry, I realize that for all of this time, with all the slips and achievements, I am learning to live.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 17th, 2005 at 7:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.