Scenes of a memory

A lot has happened this week and time seems to past by so fast. Earlier this week I had my birthday, which was something that I rarely celebrated anyway. Yet this year felt so special because so many people realized that it was my birthday and seemed to show attention that it was indeed an important day to celebrate for. Needless to say, I ended up with two cakes and one frozen pizza which I still have to deal with. Well, the frozen pizza was my idea, I was afraid that it might have been to simple but I was glad that everyone enjoyed such a simple sharing of celebration. As I look at myself in the mirror now, I realized that those cakes did have an effect.

Thursday was White Thursday but I did not go to church on the account that I still had my essay to do. On that Thursday nigh I was overcomed by a unexplained sense of fear, as if the future in front of me had gone dark and uncertian. It was strange to reflect that it coincided with the night when Jesus was praying in the garden and was finally taken away, scattering away the disciples who were each terrified on their own. "I will strike the shepherd and the sheep of the flock will be dispersed" (Matthew 26:31). Thus on that night I felt the fear of being alone facing my uncertain destiny.

Friday night I went to the Good Friday mass which was suprisingly empty. I tried to hold on through all the sad hymns the choir was singing. I tried to hold on even though the fear inside my heart refused to leave. Now it is confusing to notice how I am more certain about sadness, more familiar with the desolate feeling of depression rather than with joy. Sitting there in that Good Friday mass with tears in my eyes, it seemed that sadness was the feeling that enabled me to connect with God. Happiness on the other hand, would bring me a sense of uneasy comfort. I would also keep worrying that soon the feeling of being alone and mellow would come back. These latter emotions were the ones I used to have and ones I felt the certainty of.

Sunday, bathed in sunshine, I rode to church which was surprisingly full. I stood at the back, trying hard to grasp the spiritual meaning of this celebration where everyone was dressed up and cheery. Yet, maybe there is something wrong with me, I felt closer to in spirit when I was sitting in a uncrowded church during that solemn and sad mass on Good Friday. Am I more prone to enjoying the tragedy of life and death, rather than embracing the joyous promise of resurrection?

Going home under the Sunday sunshine, I felt uncertain whether such wonderful days and times will last. I guess I will have to try to enjoy and cherish them as best as I can while they last. Now, I am far from my family and I miss them, yet when I come back, I fear I will be close to my family but at the same time I will be far from the one I love. Will I be able to have it all one day? I do not know. But at least this Sunday the sun did shine and I can smile.

(Such a beautiful house… don’t you agree, dear?)

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 16th, 2006 at 6:02 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.